wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize
