Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
