my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Randomize
