New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
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