I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
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