He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Randomize
