If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize