I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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