My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
