OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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