my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Randomize
