i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
