Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
