so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
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