you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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