2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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