I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize