Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
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