You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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