Where did you get a picture of my penis
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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