they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
He did a backflip because drugs
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