all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize