If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
