I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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