Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
