I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
