I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
