The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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