2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
