I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
