You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
My underwear smells like fireworks.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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