just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
this just has baby written all over it
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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