Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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