his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
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