Cold hands, warm shart.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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