rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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