Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize