I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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