I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
