Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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