I'm jealous of your bromance
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
