Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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