A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
