I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
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