Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
my shit smells like andre
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Randomize
