I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
