I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
