Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
