I think i peed on brittanys purse
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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