Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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