I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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