You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
My vagina just recognized that song.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
