I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize