Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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