i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
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