Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
