when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
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