Say something about gay babies.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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